Wedding Etiquette Advice for New York Brides

There's nothing quite like a New York City wedding. But make no mistake, New York brides will also face some special wedding planning challenges.

We asked Manhattan-based wedding etiquette expert Elise MacAdam, author of Something New: Wedding Etiquette for Rule Breakers, Traditionalists, and Everyone in Between, to answer some of the most common questions that come up for brides planning New York nuptials.

Wedding Planning Dilemma #1: I want people to give money to charities instead of buying me presents, but my mother says that it isn't fair to force people to donate when they really want to buy things. Is there any way to do both?

Elise's Advice: One of the easiest ways to register and give to charity at the same time, is through a web site like the I Do Foundation, which lets you donate a percentage of the purchases through your registry to the charities of your choice. The site also provides great ideas for charitable favors and has all sorts of suggestions for environmentally-conscious weddings.

Wedding Planning Dilemma #2: My wedding and reception are happening downtown, completely off the grid. A lot of guests are coming in from out-of-town and aren't necessarily so city savvy. Do I have to provide transportation for them from their hotels to my venue?

Elise's Advice: No. A wedding in New York City is very much like a wedding elsewhere: guests are expected to provide their own transportation to the wedding. Of course, if you feel it is absolutely necessary to hire a bus to transport your crowd, that is a generous courtesy (and has the added benefit of keeping your guests together so that they all get to your wedding on time).

Alternatively, you can provide a map and include transportation suggestions (taxi, subway, bus, car service).

Wedding Planning Dilemma #3: I hate to be the wet blanket at my own wedding reception, but I can't stand the idea of toasts that are roasts. I don't want to be humiliated at my reception. What can I do?

Elise's Advice: First, decide exactly who you want to give toasts and make them aware of your fears. Then, assign someone else (best man, maid of honor, sibling) to serve as "emcee" and let that person know that you want him or her to only permit the toasts you want. He or she should interrupt anyone else who bounces up, eager to spill the beans.

Wedding Planning Dilemma #4: My parents are paying for most of my wedding, but they live halfway across the country and don't really understand how much things cost in New York City. They were put out to hear that we are also getting help from my fiancé's family and want to be the only parents named as hosts on the invitation. What should I do?

Elise's Advice: Whatever you do, do not put together an invitation that names everyone and send it out, hoping your parents won't notice. You need to have a conversation with your folks. Tell them that you feel it is important to recognize your in-laws on the invitation, more for the sake of your future relationship with them than for money-related reasons.

If they protest that the “traditional" wedding invitation format includes only the bride's parents, tell them that there have always been provisions made for alternatives and you want to ensure that no one's feelings are hurt. Tell them that their names will be mentioned first and that no one will think they are being cheap. No one looks at an invitation to figure out how much each party spent on the event. All your guests will want to know is where to go and what to be wearing when they arrive.

Wedding Planning Dilemma #5: Do I have to have assigned seating at the reception? It feels so snooty.

Elise's Advice: You don't have to have assigned seating, but it sure can come in handy. If you have guests who don't get along or just a bunch of shy people who might cling to the walls, you might want to use a seating chart to help your guests get along.

When you plan your tables, think about mixing extroverts and shy people and avoid creating a "dud" table for all the people you don't want to deal with. Mix it up, and let the charismatic types help with the conversation.

Wedding Planning Dilemma #6: I really don't want to invite kids to the wedding. I don't want to offend people but I don't want to have them around. What can I do?

Elise's Advice: You can absolutely have a child-free wedding, but you need to tread lightly on your guests' feelings and abilities. The first choice you can make that will help you out is to plan your wedding in the evening. It is easier for people to find babysitting, and they are less likely to want to bring their kids if your wedding is at their bedtime.

Then you should be absolutely firm in your decision not to include children and make no exceptions. (The only variation on this policy would be that you could limit the children to those of immediate family members or children who are in the wedding party.) What you can't do is invite the kids you like and exclude the ones you don't care for. That will only get you in trouble. Be prepared for some people not to be able to attend your wedding if they can't find childcare, and don't hold it against them. This is the possible downside of your choice. If you are having a lot of people coming in from out of town and traveling with their children, you could offer a few babysitter suggestions.

Some NYC babysitter referrals include Pinch Sitters and Sitter City.

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